[all chanting] - Down it! Down it!
Down it! Down it!
Down it! Down it! Down it!
Down it!
- Haven't you finished it yet? - Come on, down it!
- Go on!
- Jesus Christ.
- Yeah!
[retching]
- Oh, bloody hell.
[horn honking] - You stupid shit!
- Sorry. Sorry!
- Good start to the day.
- Mate, he's seventy
with a puke covered windscreen
and he's still driving faster than you.
- I'm driving at the speed limit. - Yeah.
- There you go.
- Oh, come on, it's not even breakfast time yet.
- It's your stag. It's the law.
Myles? - Why, thank you.
- And, one for our kind driver.
- Seriously?
[childish music] ♪♪
- Er, what the fuck is this shit?
Huh?
- Sorry, it's on shuffle.
It's one of Billy's. He loves this song.
You should see him bopping away whenever...
Oh, sorry, do I bore you talking about my son?
Oh, well maybe you bore me
with talk about your wedding.
- I didn't say anything.
- Maybe when you all grow up
you'll understand that having a baby
is one of the greatest gifts a man can get.
- If he was such a great gift,
why the fuck did I have to buy you a present
when he was born?
- Cause that's just what you do.
- Oh, what time did you tell Cheese to get there?
- Er, seven-fifteen.
- Cheese is coming? - Yeah.
- Ah, nice. I haven't seen him in years.
- Why did you tell him to get there later?
- I don't want him to spend too much time
with Rachel's dad.
- Colonel Gerald.
- Commander, I think. - Like Bond.
- Yeah, except Bond's military history
is marginally less fictional.
- What do you mean? - I mean,
I spoke to him at your engagement party,
and no way was that total bell piece in the army.
- Yes he was. - Seen any pictures?
- Well, no, but he was in a secret division.
- Bollocks.
- Well, there's one thing I know for sure
and that's that he doesn't really like me,
so it's probably best he doesn't spend
much of the weekend with my alcoholic,
drug dealing, nutcase of a friend.
- Oh, come on,
Cheese isn't going to be like he was at uni.
He's in his thirties for crying out loud.
I'm sure he doesn't deal drugs anymore,
he's probably like a...
- Drive.
Drive!
- Go, go, go, go.
["Kill The Power" by Kindred]
♪♪
♪ This is a resident evil attack
♪ Zombie take over, boy watch your back
♪ Infected disease, unprotected
♪ Soul catcher, listen, everybody dress black
♪ Good vs evil, evil vs worse
♪ Words for fella man, words verse curse
♪ Don't fuck with we
♪ Somebody body wanna fuck with we
♪ An itchy itchy bombs gang
♪ Oh...
♪ Push the man with the heavyweight sound
♪ You ain't killing what cannot be killed
♪ I'm not joking, the blood gets spilled
♪ On the ground you're gonna stay long
♪ That's the way cemetery gets filled
♪ Oh...
♪ No retreating, no surrender
♪ Oh...
♪ Push the man with the heavyweight sound
♪ We running it, gunning it
♪ You know you can't kill the power
♪ Skinning it, killing it
♪ You know you can't kill the power ♪
- See, I told you we'd get here in time.
- What's happening, fuckers?
- [all] Eh! - Cheese!
[laughing]
- What the fuck is Al Dennis doing here?
- I went to his wedding so I had to invite him.
- But he's the most boring man in the world.
- I know, but for some reason
he thinks we're really good friends.
- Sam, my buddy! - Hey Al.
- Such an honor to be spending the weekend with you.
How's Rebecca?
- Rachel. She's good.
- Great.
Great!
- How you doing, Brandon?
- Sam.
- Honestly, what does your sister see in that prick?
You alright, mate?
How's Michelle?
- She's fine.
- Everyone, this is Rachel's dad, Gerald.
Gerald, Toby.
- Hello, Toby. - Hey.
- Eric.
And Myles.
- Oh, we've met.
- Yes, of course.
- Right, now that boring shite's out the way.
- Pass 'em down.
- Here you go.
To Sam!
- To Sam! - Sam!
[glasses clink]
- Cheers.
[glasses clank]
- [gagging]
- [exhales]
- So that's sixty.
How much was the special breakfast?
- Oh, for fuck's sake, just split it.
- I only had a coffee.
You know, some of us didn't sell our souls
to earn stupid amounts of money.
- And some of us get paid in hard cash,
and not smug vouchers.
Anyway, I didn't sell my soul.
My job's cool, mate.
- You're a lawyer, aren't you?
- Boring.
- If it's so boring, how comes there's, like,
billions of TV shows and films written about lawyers?
Hmm? You don't see any TV shows
about cancer researchers, do you?
No.
- Oh, are you curing cancer, Toby?
That's amazing.
- Thank you.
- There you go,
five pounds worth of smug right there.
Kerching.
You know why there's no TV shows written
about cancer researchers?
Because it'd be one big mystery at the start,
and then season after season,
no one would ever fucking solve it.
- Sounds a bit like Lost.
But there you go.
- So, tell me, Eric,
what exactly is this thing we're going to.
- Yeah, tell us.
- It's a survival weekend.
A hyper realistic simulation of the apocalypse.
Humanity at its most raw.
Living off the land.
Fighting against the cruel mother nature.
All the while being hunted by...
the walking dead.
- It's paintball with twats dressed as zombies.
- Yeah. - Sounds cool.
- Actually, it's like,
run by loads of ex-squaddies.
- Well, that stands to reason.
After a career in the military,
witnessing unspeakable horrors,
there's nothing you crave more than a weekend spent
running around the woods playing puerile,
make believe war games.
- Yeah, Sam said you were in the army.
- Navy.
- Where was it you served again?
- That's classified.
- Of course, yeah. Classified.
- He could tell you, but he'd have to kill you.
- I could kill you.
- Okay. - Well, erm...
thanks for organizing this guys, anyway.
[chuckles] Should be good fun.
[smacks lips] - Fun?
It's gonna be awesomeballs.
- Sorry, what was that?
- Awesomeballs.
It's a new word I invented.
- Well, it sounded like you were actually talking about
a magnificent set of testicles.
- I fucking like it.
- Nice one, Cheese. Bosh.
- How was everything, alright?
- Yeah, fine, thanks. - Beautiful, thanks.
- Actually, the rat...
I'm assuming it was rat was a smidgen dry,
and this, uh, crappuccino
tasted a little bit like, um...
yeah, I'm gonna say it's monkey jizz.
Monkey jizz.
Anyone else got a... Just me.
- You're so rude.
Why can't you just say it's fine like a normal person.
- Because it wasn't fine.
It's for her own good, mate.
Two years time there'll be a Starbucks down the road
and she won't be able to compete.
It's positive feedback.
- I don't think "monkey jizz"
ever counts as positive feedback.
- Unless you're sucking off a baboon.
- Yeah.
- Fair point.
[ominous music swells] ♪♪
- There's a weirdo staring at you.
Why is there a weirdo staring at you?
- Presumably in response to your foul language.
- My foul...?
He said that.
- Jesus, he looks like a psycho.
- Myles, apologies now before I get killed.
- Never apologize, Sam, it's a sign of weakness.
- We are weak!
- Maybe, but there's, like, eight of us.
What's he going to do?
You alright, mate?
Hmm?
Hello? Anyone home?
No?
- I think we should get out of here.
- Yeah.
Jesus.
Looks like we found our first zombie.
[birds chirping]
- I'm not sure this is right.
- Just keep going.
- There's no point driving aimlessly.
We should ask someone. - Good idea.
Shall we ask this cow?
- Oh look, there's a sign over there.
A sinisterly worded, misspelled sign,
scrawled in what appears to be blood.
I say go for it.
- Yeah, they couldn't spell in the emails either,
so this is definitely it.
[snare drum sounding] [patriotic humming]
- Oh, yes.
- Boo.
- So what now?
- Err. I dunno.
I guess we just head up to the...
[paintball whizzing by]
Jesus! - Oi!
New recruits!
Get yourselves in here now!
- Oh, how delightful.
- Come on, move yourselves. Faster. Faster!
- Bandages.
Antiseptic. - Move yourselves!
- Will you hurry up?
- Give me a second.
Compass.
Ropes.
- What is all this? - A survival kit.
- What the fuck is that?!
- It's a knife.
I thought you said it was paintballing.
- We might get lost in the woods.
I might have to hunt deer or whittle something.
- Whittle? You're a fucking mental.
- Oi, you two! - Whatevs.
- Get in here now!
Move yourself faster! - [giggles]
- Move yourself faster! - Sorry, sorry. Sorry.
- My name is Marshall.
And your name is lucky son of a bitch.
Lucky,
cause you made it this far.
But your journeys are only just beginning.
Now as you know,
the world has gone to hell.
The undead are roaming the streets.
[paintball gun clicks]
And they've taken over the cities.
But we,
we're gonna fight back.
Are you with me?
- [all] Sir, yes, sir!
[sarcastic] - Yeah, woo-hoo!
- We got ourselves a bit of a smart ass.
So what, you don't think our situation's serious?
- Not really, no. - Not really, no. No.
- [pops gum]
- Well get yourself down and do twenty, now.
- Yeah, that's not going to happen.
- I said, give me twenty. - [squeals in pain]
- Twenty!
Right, the enemy's deadly.
He's fast, he's powerful.
Fearless.
But you...
you can beat him.
Right,
check your equipment.
Start with your truncheon.
- Knife, you dickhead.
- Now, it may not seem like much,
but the undead's body is soft.
Repeated blows with this implement
and the zombie will succumb.
- [screaming] - You're a fucking woman, are you?
Come on! Hit it! Hit it!
- I want to kill you! - Hit the fucking thing!
- Next, you've got your standard issue firearm.
The T-70 single fire assault rifle.
[paintball gun clicking]
- Kill the primary.
- [laughing]
- Ow! - It's working now.
- Fucking hell!
- The most important thing...
the one thing you must remember...
is you never shoot the target in the head.
Always go for the body.
- Nonsense.
- You got something to say, recruit?
- Sir, yes, sir!
It's just that you should always shoot a zombie in the head,
sir.
- Well not these ones. - But...
- Are you back-chatting me, fatty?
- Sir, no, sir! Ow...
- Now you get down on the floor,
you fat piece of shit, and give me twenty.
You can truncheon the head, but you do not shoot there!
- That just seems inconsistent...
- Anyone else wanna talk about consistency?
- Right, you can talk the talk.
Now it's time to walk the walk.
Need a volunteer.
Which one of you has got a pair of bollocks?
- Come on, you bunch of fucking nonces!
- Go on, Sam. You're the stag.
- Oh, no, no, I've got a bit of a...
[all chanting] - Sammy! Sammy!
Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!
- Okay, okay, alright. I'll volunteer.
- Good lad.
Step up then, soldier.
Now we're very lucky, couple of weeks ago,
to capture one of the undead.
Now he hasn't eaten
and he's got the right hump.
[chains clinking] [zombie moaning]
- Isn't that the guy from the cafe?
- Yeah. Yeah, it is.
- [whimpering]
[zombie groaning]
- Well, go on, shoot him!
[paintball gun clicks] [zombie groaning]
[all cheering]
- Oh, right.
[zombie groaning]
[paintball gun clicking]
- Use your truncheon.
- No, no, no...
[zombie groaning]
- [Sam screaming]
- Well, go on, hit him then!
- Fucking help me you cunt balls!
[all cheering]
- Go on, son, hit him!
- Die! Fucking die!
[panting]
[laughing] I killed him!
I fucking killed him!
[laughing]
[paintball gun fires] - Right, soldiers.
Your training is now officially over.
Move out!
[military drum roll] ♪♪
- Come on! Come on!
Move, move, move, move! Get in there!
Come on, speed up, get yourself up there!
- In the back, now!
- Get in there!
- Hurry up! Hurry up!
Right!
- Right, everybody grab a ration pack and a map.
[military drum roll] ♪♪
- Ah, thank God!
[spitting]
Is that vodka?
- Now, you're gonna split into two teams.
Your mission is to rendezvous at our bunker
on the far side of the woods by sundown.
The bunker is marked on your map as a large X.
But be aware...
these woods are teaming with the undead.
If you wanna make it through alive,
you'll have to stay alert and work as a team.
Any questions?
- Yeah, I quite need a dump.
Is there anything by way of toilet facilities
before we get to the bunker?
- Dig a hole, mate.
- Okay.
Do you have any toilet paper or...?
- Leaves.
- Leaves. Right.
- Try not to use stinging nettles.
- [laughing]
Cocks.
- Do you want some heroin, Myles?
It'll clog you right up.
- [all laughing]
- That's hilarious, Cheese.
You've got to stop with those great jokes.
[knocking on cab]
- One minute until die time,
you bunch of fucking pussies.
- So, you guys were in the army?
Uh, Gerald, my father-in-law to be,
he was in the army too, right?
- Navy.
- Right.
He was an officer though.
Not to say that you guys weren't officers, too.
You could've been.
Right?
What do I know?
- Where did you serve, mate?
- That's classified.
[laughing] - Good chat.
[knocking on cab]
- First group! - [all moaning]
- Right, well, er, I'll go.
- Me too.
- I'm in. - Obviously.
- Actually, wait a second, Myles.
Gerald,
as my future father-in-law,
would you like to take part in this adventure with me?
- Nnnnnno.
[patriotic flute music] ♪♪
[birds chirping]
♪♪
- I cannot believe you were about to leave me
with that weirdo Al and your dickhead brother-in-law.
- You know, right now,
Cheese is probably forcing Gerald
to snort coke out of some zombie's butt crack.
[laughing] - If it's any consolation,
I doubt whatever's happening is going to leave
a worse impression than watching you
getting dry humped by that massive retard.
- That was your fault!
- I may have antagonized him a bit,
but the screaming like a little girl
that's on you, mate.
Anyway, it doesn't explain why the rest of them
are so fucking nasty.
I'd like to say it's PTSD,
but frankly, I think they're just wankers.
- They certainly take it all very seriously.
- Yeah.
- Any idea what that means?
- Nope.
How long till we get there, Toby,
I really need a shit.
- I dunno.
According to the compass on my phone,
I don't think we're going the right way.
- Oi! Cockhead!
- Shh. - Come here, you massive tool!
- Can you keep it down?
Zombies have super sensitive hearing.
- Okay, so firstly,
I don't even think that's a thing.
- It definitely is a thing. - It's not a thing.
- Secondly, they're not actually zombies,
they're a bunch of psychotic squaddies
in shitty make-up.
Thirdly, what is the point in us going on
a zombie killing weekend
if we're going to avoid all the zombies?
- Yeah, otherwise it's just a really
- inappropriately dressed ramble. - Exactly.
- Okay, well firstly,
fuck your mother. - Right.
- Secondly, how is your mother? - She's fine, thanks.
- Tell her I said hello. - I will.
- And thirdly,
what do you actually want?
- Toby says you're taking us the wrong way.
- Well, he's an idiot. Look at him.
- I admit my PhD wasn't in orienteering,
but I think I can read a map.
We're going North, right? - Right.
- Fine. North is that way.
- No, no, no, no, no.
North is that way.
- Not according to my phone.
- Yeah, because it's a bloody phone.
I've got a proper compass, bruv.
- Why have you got a compass?
- He's got a whole survival kit. - Yeah, I do.
- And a huge fucking knife.
- For whittling. - Of course.
- Whittling, right.
- Let me see that compass.
Right, the needle's pointing that way.
- Yes, but we're going North,
which is "N" on the dial.
Which means we're going that way.
- Do you mean the dial you can just spin around?
That changes direction depending on which way you hold it.
- Must be broken.
- You're broken, you moron.
- I bet you wish you went with the other group now, eh? - Yeah.
- Let's do this.
Goggles on.
- Shut up.
- Guess you must be excited.
About the wedding and all.
Welcoming Sam into the family.
- Hmm.
- He's a diamond, you know.
- [sniffs]
- What's that?
- Nothing. Nothing at all.
- Listen, I know what it's like to have a daughter.
The never ending worry.
- You have a daughter? - I have a cat.
Don't trust children.
Always nicking your pills, thinking they're sweets.
But if Mrs. McFluff was to make love to a man
I'd want it to be Sam.
He's kind, tender, dependable.
- I admire your loyalty, Cheese,
I'll say that much.
In the heat of battle there are few better qualities.
- Oh, well if it's loyalty you want,
then Sam's your man.
This one time at uni he swallowed an entire ounce
of weed to save me from the rozzer.
An entire ounce.
It scarred him for life.
Mainly due to the dubious sexual experience
he had when he was high,
but that's what I call integrity.
- Yeah, it's true, when we used to work together,
if ever Sam was going to get a coffee,
he would always get one for me.
- Exactly. That's what I'm saying.
- I'll take it under advisement.
Tell me, why do they call you Cheese?
- Oh, I sense a crazy story coming on.
- Yeah. Well, no, actually.
I just really fucking like cheese.
- Look, he wants the beer.
- Starting early.
- Yeah.
Ooh, here he is dressed as a lion.
[sarcastic] - "As a lion."
- Very cute.
[brush rustling]
- No.
Nope.
Hmm. Soft and furry.
Like wiping with an actual puppy.
Okay. Let's do this.
- Really?
You're having soup at the wedding?
- Billy loves soup.
- Yeah?
[baby cooing ring tone]
- Talk of the devil.
Well, it's actually Suzy.
- I figured.
- Hey, babe.
Yeah, it's great.
Yeah, we're having loads of fun.
Nope.
No, there are no naked women.
I promise.
Yeah, put him on.
Hello! - Aw...
- Hello!
Yeah, it's daddy.
Yes, it is! Yes, it is!
Uh-huh.
Okay, well I'll see you tomorrow.
Well give him a big kiss from me.
Okay, alright.
Bye. Bye.
What is your problem?
- I'll tell you what my problem is.
Take a look around you.
We're at the mercy of the elements.
Face to face with nature.
At war with a deadly enemy.
For once, you have the chance
to experience real life and your missing it.
- This is literally not real life.
- Oh what and screaming babies
and wedding menus, is that real life?
- Yes. Yes, it is. That's what grown ups do.
- Yeah, well it sounds shit!
You know what, I'm an idiot, right,
I'm an idiot.
I thought for one weekend, just one weekend,
we could all get together like old times.
[deep voice] The Crazy Crew.
- The Crazy Crew?
- What, you don't remember the Crazy Crew?
- Crazy Crew!
- When I first moved down South, the Crazy...
- Oh, I remember the Crazy Crew.
But there's a reason we stopped calling ourselves that
when we were sixteen. - It was a terrible name.
- For one.
But also because none of us were actually crazy.
All we used to do was sit around each other's houses
eating pizza chatting about how one day
we might actually talk to some girls.
Fine.
I won't talk about Billy any more.
- And I'm more than happy
not to talk about weddings and stuff.
- Just so I know, what sort of "crazy" shit
can we talk about?
- [exhales]
Err, films.
Football.
Women who aren't our wives or fiancées.
- I'm not really into football, so...
- Ah, right, err...
[exhales] Anyone seen anything
interesting at the flicks recently?
- [exhales]
Don't think I've managed to watch an entire film
since Billy...
Girls, girls, girls then.
You seeing anyone?
- No.
- Relax.
Relax. Think Zen thoughts.
Namaste.
[distant stick breaks]
[zombie moaning]
[birds chirping]
[zombie moaning continues]
Fuck.
- What about online dating?
- Get with the program, grandma.
Everyone's using apps now.
- On your phone? - No, on your balls.
- Well, why don't you try that then?
- This girl at my work,
she's on this Loved Up app,
and she got fifteen dick pics in a day.
- [scoffs]
Are you worried girls are going to send you
pics of their cock?
- No, I just don't want to send pictures
of my junk to strangers.
I've got a choad.
You understand you don't have to do that.
- Whatevs.
Look, my point is, it's full of weirdos and freaks.
- Oh my God!
- Jesus Christ, Myles.
Lock and load, bitches.
[paintball gun clicking] Myles!
We're coming for you, brother!
Yes.
- Shall we?
[patriotic drum roll] ♪♪
[zombie moaning]
- Die motherfuckers!
Yeah!
[patriotic music] ♪♪
- [panting] [coughing]
- You alright?
- It's the booze. I'll catch you up.
- Okay.
[paintball gun clicking] [zombies moaning]
[grunting] - Shit.
Oh God.
[paintballs splattering]
[patriotic music] ♪♪
[zombie moaning]
[distant paintball gun clicking]
- [panting]
[distant footstep]
- [zombie moaning]
[zombie groaning]
- Come on, mate.
This is all just a big game.
- [moaning continues]
- Right?
[paintball gun clicking]
[thud] [squish]
- What did you fucking do?
[exhales]
- [panicked breathing]
Oh fuck!
[whimpering]
Oh fuck! Oh fuck!
Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck!
Oh fuck! Oh fuck...!
- Three zombies down.
- Bosh! - Crazy Crew's back, baby!
- Looks like Sam bagged one, too.
Awesomeballs!
- I killed him! - Yeah, I know, I can see.
- I killed him! - Yeah, alright Sam. We get it.
What's up with this guy?
- No, no, no, you don't get it.
I'm trying to tell you that I fucking killed him!
- When you say "killed", do you mean...
- Fucking dead. Dead, dead.
Like, not stupid fucking pretend dead.
Actual dead.
- You killed him.
- I know, that's what I just told you!
- Why did you do that? - It was by mistake.
He was attacking me
and he was very scary and then...
I... I...
- So you stabbed him through the heart?! - Uh-huh.
- Oh fuck.
- Yeah, but let's get this in perspective.
He was already dead.
- What is wrong with you?
[paintball gun clicking] - You alright muchachos?
The good news is, I mullered a zombie.
The bad news is, I was unsuccessful in my dump.
What the fuck?!
- Sam killed him.
- Why? - I didn't mean to.
I was scared and I dropped the truncheon and...
[zombie moaning] [group gasp]
- Help!
- Oh thank God, he's alive!
- [screaming]
- What the hell did you just do?!
- He was reanimating.
- He wasn't a fucking zombie!
- Yeah, maybe not before.
But we all just saw that.
He just said, "Brains."
- He said, "Help."
I'm gonna fucking kill you! - What is your problem?
- You're the stupidest bloody person I've ever met!
- Just relax!
Both of you relax, okay?
Myles has a plan that's going to make all of this
just go away.
- You do? - Yeah.
- What is it? - Simple, okay.
We bury the body under a tree.
We keep our mouths shut.
And hope no one notices. You're welcome.
- Hope no one notices?! - Yeah.
- That is not a plan! - Course it is,
it's a fucking classic.
Trust me, this is my bag, baby.
I'm a lawyer.
- You're a corporate lawyer, you negotiate contracts.
Look. Look, we take his phone, okay?
We keep sending texts
to make it seem like he's still alive,
and by the time anyone's figured out something's wrong
ten groups will have been through here.
And these woods are big.
It'll be weeks before they find the body.
They won't get an accurate time of death.
This could work. - No way.
- Okay. Then we settle.
We pay them off.
- Are you suggesting we give them money
to ignore the fact that we killed their friend?
- Uh-huh.
- How much money? - I don't know, they look kind of povo.
I reckon ten, twenty grand a piece
will keep them quiet.
- You'd ignore our murders for twenty grand?
- Of course not, mate. I'm already rich.
I'd let someone take out Eric for, say,
I don't know, a hundred?
- A hundred grand?
Cheers, bro.
- No. Apart from the fact I don't have
twenty grand spare,
that is a completely ridiculous idea.
- We could frame Brandon. He's a massive dickhead.
- That's true.
- No, no, no, no!
We're not paying anyone off or framing anyone.
Okay?
We've got no choice.
We'll have to go to the police.
- The police?
Sam and Eric will go to prison.
You understand that, right?
- It was a mistake.
- Eric may go down for mental incompetence
and Sam, maybe manslaughter,
but that is still hard time.
- Sam won't stand a chance
- I dunno, he seems pretty good at shanking people.
- I can't go to prison
I'm getting married in three weeks.
Rachel will be devastated.
[gasping] Gerald would never forgive me!
- Look Toby,
if you insist on going down this way,
we're not going to kill you to silence you, okay.
- I didn't think you were till you said that.
Why would you...
why are you talking about killing me?
- I said we're not going to kill you.
- But it'd crossed your mind!
- It crossed my mind.
- All I'm saying is,
is that you signed the Crazy Crew charter
just like the rest of us.
And article twelve of the Crazy Crew charter says,
- "Always have a brother's back."
- Always.
- We were fourteen.
We were talking about girls and fights in the playground,
not conspiracy to fucking murder!
- I think it was implicit. - Totally.
- Guys, guys, I have a son
to think about now, okay?
- Oh, you promised you weren't going to talk about him.
- You promised not to murder anyone!
- No, I bloody didn't!
But fine. Let's talk about Billy.
How long have you known this guy?
Eight months.
And has he ever said anything interesting?
No.
Has he ever done anything interesting?
No.
You've known Sam for twenty years
and he has said and done lots of interesting things,
so I just can't understand
how you can possibly prefer Billy over Sam!
- You're not even human.
- Let's face it,
Billy could be the most boring person in the world,
or a complete twat.
And you're going to throw away your friendship
with Sam for that?
- One day you'll grow up and understand responsibility.
Billy needs me.
[mocking] - "Billy needs me!"
- What the fuck are you doing?
- If you let Toby wipe your bum,
he won't send you to prison.
- Stop it!
Look, Toby's right.
He has got a son to think of.
And even if little Billy is boring.
Or a twat.
He's your little twat.
Your responsibility.
This is my responsibility, my fault.
I have to take the fall.
I've got no reception.
Can I borrow yours please?
[light horn music] ♪♪
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
- So I said, "How the hell can she have chlamydia?
I always taught her to rubber up."
- Ah yes, but feline chlamydia is often passed on
from mother to kitten.
- Yeah, that's what they said.
- [whistles]
[paintball gun clicking]
- Ow!
[paintball gun clicking] - Oh, you wanker.
- And regroup!
- I'll tell you one thing, Gerry,
you don't have to worry about Sam
giving your daughter any STD's.
He's very hygienic.
- Ooh, what an accolade.
- Yeah, it's true that.
I happen to know for a fact that he flosses.
- Yeah, his teeth though, not his cock.
- True. True.
[upbeat music] ♪♪
- [grunting]
[breathing heavily]
[whispers] Let me get rid of that.
- Are you kidding...
You just smeared his DNA all over your clothes!
- Oops.
- Maybe you want to wank onto his face.
Make the prosecution's case watertight.
- I'll wank onto your face.
- How is that a comeback?
- S.P. Dowie.
One bank card.
Two condoms. Ribbed for her pleasure.
- Very thoughtful.
- And a Nando's loyalty card.
Alright.
- Oh, are we stealing from the dead now, too?
- Toby, if we're going to convince people
this guy's still alive
we need to keep his cards operational.
Okay?
If that means I get a free quarter chicken
now and then, so be it.
- Medium? - Mango and lime.
- Interesting. - Mmm.
Oh. Hold on.
Bingo. Whoo.
Balls.
I need his passcode to change his passcode.
- You'll have to keep pressing it,
make sure it doesn't lock.
- Or...
- No!
No, you can't!
- [grunts]
- Jesus Christ... - Our lord.
Blessed art thou in all your glory.
Etcetera, etcetera.
Today we offer you our good friend...
Steve?
- Steve's not really a zombie name.
- E wasn't a zombie. - Graah.
Now that's a zombie name.
- He wasn't a zombie. - It began with "S".
- Sluor.
Now that's a proper good zombie name.
- He wasn't a zombie. - One second.
- Oh, for crying out loud.
- It was Steve.
Good guess, Sam. - Thanks!
- Lord.
[church organ music] ♪♪
Please take Steve
into your holy kingdom
and treat him with kindness for all eternity.
I remember the first time I met Steve.
He was eyeballing me from across the cafe
because of something Myles had said
about monkey jizz.
- Positive feedback. - Great times.
And although I didn't get the chance
to get to know him as much as I'd have liked,
from the small time we spent together
I could tell that Steve was a...
Was a... - A bit of a cunt?
- A bit of a cunt. Yeah.
- Bless him, he was. - Yeah.
- Amen? - Amen.
- We good with God now?
- Defo. - Right.
[organ music playing] ♪♪
- You should've seen the look on
that stuck up prick's face when I snuck up on him.
What do you think of that?
- She's rough, mate.
- What are you talking about? Look at those tits.
- You fucked a pig, mate.
What do you think, Cam?
- At least it was female.
I thought he was a fucking poof.
- Oh, piss off.
- Oh, yeah!
- Four hundred feet per second.
One eighty five pound draw weight.
- Nice.
- Fucking should be for a grand.
- [whistles]
- So when are we gonna go bag a deer then, eh?
- You and me?
Never.
- Oi, you fucking prick! - Sorry, mate. Finger slipped.
- I just bought that! - Oi, rein it in!
Any of you fucking monkeys know where Steve is?
- He was with us on the first run.
Don't know after that.
- Check the bog.
One o'clock's his wank time.
- Right, ten minutes
then back out for the next run.
- Wank time.
[patriotic music] ♪♪
- [spitting] [grunting]
Can I please have some water now?
I think I'm getting dehydrated.
- You twat.
- Stag rules are still in effect.
- Whoo. This guy really had no life.
No parents. No girlfriend.
Barely any friends.
Honestly, I don't think
a single person's going to miss him.
- Brilliant!
- You two are awful human beings.
- Oh, he is on Loved Up though.
- Oh, let's have a look.
- Is that the thing you were telling me about?
- So, Loved Up.
You search, right, for girls in your local area,
let's say aged between twenty-two and thirty-five,
right?
And their profiles pop up, like so.
So, Mandy? Hmm.
What do we think about Mandy?
- Erm, well she's... she's...
- She's a no.
So we swipe Mandy that way, and Mandy disappears
and now she's replaced by Natasha.
- No.
- Annabelle?
- No.
- Melissa? - No.
- Elizabeth? - No.
- Oh, hello, Veronica.
- Ah, yeah.
- We like Veronica, so we swipe this way and...
[cellphone chimes] Holy shit!
It's a match.
- She likes us, too?
- Yeah.
- Cool, so what do we do now?
I don't know.
I suppose we send her pictures of our cocks.
- You don't have to send a picture of your cock.
- Oh yeah, you're right.
It could be anyone's.
How can she tell the difference?
Unless there's something in the picture
to give it scale,
they basically look the same.
I've never had a girl like that like me.
- Yeah, one small problem.
She doesn't actually like you, she likes Steve.
- Oh yeah.
Shit.
[cellphone dings]
- Oh, text from Sergeant Marshall.
- Yeah?
- "Where are you?"
- Okay, okay, text back,
"Feel like shite, boss.
Gone home. Sorry".
- Sent.
- Do you think that'll work? - Yeah.
- It better work.
[cellphone dings] - Reply.
"See you next Saturday".
- Boom!
And just like that we've bought ourselves a week.
- Sweet!
[patriotic music] ♪♪
[cellphone vibrating]
[light jazz music] ♪♪
- And, of course, my great grandfather,
Commodore Corfield played a prominent role
in the Dervish war.
He was known by the locals as "Aleunsuriat Alqasia",
which loosely translates as, "Cruel racist".
- It was probably a compliment at that time.
- I should say.
After him my grandfather captained a frigate in Burma
and then my father served aboard the HMS Black Swan.
- The Battle of Chumonchin Chan.
- Indeed.
- I fucking love getting baked
and watching the History Channel.
You should try Jurassic Fight Club on ketamine.
It's brutal.
- I don't doubt it.
So, yes, after eleven generations of naval men,
I suppose my fate was inevitable.
And yourself?
- Well, my old man was a dustman.
- Who wore a dustman's hat?
- No, I don't think he had a hat.
So, yeah, I could've gone into that,
and then I thought early mornings and shit pay,
figured it made more sense to just blag my way into uni,
deal a few drugs
and hang out as long as humanly possible.
- Thoroughly understandable.
- So I'm thinking,
come Tuesday or Wednesday big Steve's
going to have a major life rethink,
quit his job, move down South
and pursue his dream of becoming a banker.
We sell that, we're home and dry.
- Nice.
- What is it?
Is it the bunker?
- It looks like a cabin.
- Ah, maybe they've got water.
- Maybe they've got a toilet.
- We really are the Crazy Crew, aren't we?
[banjo music] ♪♪
- Should we knock?
- I don't think anyone lives here.
[knocking]
- Hello.
[knocking]
Hello!
[door creaking open]
[floor creaking]
Hello.
Anybody home?
[ominous music] ♪♪
- No one's been here in months.
- Oh my God!
There is bog roll, and it's quilted.
Awesomeballs!
I'll see you in ten.
- And you thought it wouldn't catch on.
Let's check for supplies.
- I dunno, I think this is someone's house.
- Nah, whoever it was would've fled
when the infection started.
- Whoa, whoa, what you doing?
Oi!
Have a beer. - There are beers?
This is definitely someone's house.
- Well, you wouldn't take your beer
if you had to flee an infection, would you?
- There is no infection.
- Well, maybe the organizers left them for us.
They knew we were a stag do.
- So why is there milk?
- Cup of tea?
- Yeah?
And what about the pig out back?
[pig grunting]
- Bacon butty?
Yeah, no, we should get out of here.
[car approaching]
Shit!
- Uh... - The window.
- Oh bollocks!
- Quick, hide!
- Err, here!
- Come on!
There's not much space in here!
Ow!
- There's tons of room in there!
- I'm not a fucking cat!
- Just turn round, tuck your legs in!
- Ow! Ow! I'm stuck!
I can't see,
but I feel like something might've happened.
- What the fuck are you doing in my house?
- I understand this looks bad,
but there's actually a perfectly reasonable explanation.
- True, there is.
- You see, we thought it was empty - It's not empty.
- We didn't think anyone lived here.
- Now why would you think that?
- Well, it's a bit of a shithole.
- Shithole?!
- He said that, not me.
- What's he doing in my cupboard?
- Well, erm...
- Are you drinking my beer?!
- No, no, well, yes.
- I'm gonna fucking kill...
- Right!
Right! Right!
That's it! I've had enough!
All of you, all day, overreacting,
behaving like bloody lunatics!
Sam, apologize to this gentleman.
- Oh, but... - Just do it!
- I'm sorry.
- Fuck off. - And you.
You need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
This place is a shithole.
When was the last time you cleaned your rooms, huh?
And what on Earth were you thinking,
storming in like that threatening to kill us?
You're a little old man, there's three of us!
Honestly, at your age,
you should be ashamed of yourself.
Now you need to take a moment,
take a deep breath and calm the hell down!
[thud] [grunts]
- I'll show you fucking calm!
- No, no, no, just wait, wait!
[upbeat country music] ♪♪
- Time to shut that big fucking mouth of yours.
You're a dead man!
[wincing]
[thud]
- [gasping]
Oh shit.
- What's happening guys?
[toilet flushing] - Oh shit.
- Guys?
- That was not my fault.
- Guys, what the hell is go...
Oh, for crying out loud.
- It's not my fault.
- How comes every time I go to squeeze one out
you end up killing someone, eh?
- It was a heart attack. It's natural causes.
- Yeah, I know,
I'm sure the coroner will come to that exact
same conclusion when he pulls
the fucking knife out of his chest.
- It looks bad, doesn't it? - Just a little bit, yeah.
- Can someone help me out of here, please?
- Right.
[grunting]
[upbeat country music] ♪♪
- So in about a mile
there should be a road off to the left,
and then it's just a few hundred meters from there.
- Okay.
- Slow down, will you? - I'm not even speeding.
- The last thing we want is to get pulled over.
- Why would there be any police out here?
Oh, other than all the murders you've been doing.
Look, it's four o'clock already.
We need to get to the rendezvous point
before anyone starts getting suspicious, okay?
- Yeah, and we don't want to leave Gerald
with that lot longer than we have to.
- Well we're not going to get there very quickly
if we crash, are we?
- Oh, just because you drive like Miss Daisy,
doesn't make you a safer driver.
- Yes, it does.
- No, you plod along like a snail,
but your brain's all over the place
thinking about a million other things,
blissfully unaware of all the carnage
your causing around you.
I, on the other hand, am switched on,
in the moment and focussed.
- If you say so.
- So who do you guys think is the safer driver, me or Toby?
[thud]
Right.
Ah.
- Hello.
Hello!
- Sam, his head and legs are pointing
in opposite directions.
- In for a penny.
Come on.
- I'll get his head. - Yeah.
- Let me get this straight. - Mm-hmm.
- The old man kills the two zombies. - Yeah.
- And then in a fit of guilt,
decides to take his own life.
- Yes.
- By committing harakiri
whilst driving his car into the lake.
- Exactly.
- That's believable.
- Look, all we need is reasonable doubt.
You got a better idea?
- No. - Right.
Let's do this.
- [all] One, two, three!
[yelling] [grunting]
[all cheering]
- Yeah, that's fine.
- Yeah, it'll do. Job done.
[patriotic drumming] ♪♪
- Fascinating.
Simply fascinating.
[door creaks open]
- This place is amazing.
There's another two floors below this one,
but it's all taped off.
- Which could probably be explained by the fact
I found this hidden away in the corner.
So, bear in mind that all the while you marvel
at the museum pieces,
your swimmers are being mutated
by some second world war plutonium.
- Don't be ridiculous, mate.
This place is cold war.
- Well met, Cheese.
- Oh, my bad.
- Tell you who would've also known that Gerry.
Sam.
- He's a genius. - Is that so?
- Nope.
- Oh yeah?
Well then how comes he's a...
Al, what is it you lot do again?
- Well, when I worked with him
we did data entry.
- Data. Exactly.
You don't get to enter "data"
without being pretty damn smart, do you?
- About a year ago, Sam started this new diet.
He was convinced
that he could live perfectly healthily
by only ever eating extra strong mints.
- Yeah, well,
that's fucking true, isn't it?
Have a look at the packet.
Fat, carbohydrate, protein.
- That's the lot, basically.
- It's what they call a superfood.
Gerry?
- Thank you.
Hmm.
[heavy rock music] ♪♪
- [snorting]
[grunting]
- You made me look like
a right fucking tranny, you bitch!
[laughing] - Did I?
[all laughing]
[cellphone ringing]
- Yeah, you alright, Sarge?
- Jenks, I'm in the bunker, mate.
Just waiting for the second group.
Should be ready for you in a bit.
- Alright, well we're ready to go here, mate.
We're a bit short fucking staffed.
Steve's still missing,
and now Dennis has gone AWOL.
- What's his excuse?
- I dunno.
Dougie dropped him off at Sharpe's Quarry
on the last run.
Last anybody saw of him.
- You don't think him and Steve
are up to something, do you?
- What exactly did Steve's text say?
- He said he was sick,
and then he said something about awesome balls.
- Awesome balls?
What the fuck does that mean?
- I've no idea, mate.
Listen, do me a favor, take a couple of the boys,
go and have a look round, alright, just in case.
- Right!
- Remember,
we all keep our stories straight
and everything's going to be fine, okay?
- What are we going to say to Gerald?
He's gonna know. - Jesus, Sam,
will you stop worrying about bloody Gerald.
Why do you care so much about what he thinks?
- Er, because he's my father-in-law
and he clearly doesn't like me.
Of course he doesn't like you,
you jizz on his daughter.
So what? Fuck him.
Fuck him and his stiff upper lip.
Fuck him and his fake military history.
- I expect you've killed more people than him. - Exactly.
However, for the purposes of the here
and the now,
we definitely didn't kill anyone, right?
- Right.
- Obviously.
- Gotcha.
[upbeat rock music] ♪♪
- Ah! - Sammy!
- Look who decided to join the festivities.
- Hi, guys.
- Let me beer you up, bro.
I'm having the best time.
Hey, are you guys all having as much fun as us nutters?
- [all] Oh yeah!
- It's been wicked. - Absolutely.
- Alright, boys.
- Cheese, what the fuuuuuu... okay.
[water pipe gurgling]
[indian sitar playing] ♪♪
[exhales]
- That was exemplary chronic.
Sam?
- Huh?
- Take a hit.
- Oh no, no, I don't, it makes me...
I had a bad experience one time.
- I know, Sam, don't worry.
No one's going to do that to you here.
Come on, Sam, don't be an enormous pussy!
- Oh, well, I guess I could do a little bit.
- You don't have to. - Yes he does.
- Wouldn't he be less of a pussy
[chuckles] if he just said no?
- Nope.
- It's fine, guys.
[chuckles] I can do a little bit.
- Go on, Sam.
[sitar music continues] ♪♪
[lighter clicks]
- Hold it.
Hold it.
[all chanting] - Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it...!
- You finally made it back then. - [coughing]
- What kept you?
- Nothing.
- Did you meet much resistance?
- How many did you kill then, soldier?
- Kill?
No, no, no, we've not killed anyone.
- No, no, no. Nobody. - No, nobody, nada.
- What do you mean, you made it all the way back here
without running into any undead?
- Of course, we killed quite a few zombies.
Er, four?
No, no, five.
Sam's just a bit confused from all the...
[makes smoking sound] [chuckles]
Sam actually killed two all by himself.
It was quite impressive.
- Well let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Plenty of work to be done yet.
Now dusk is approaching
and come nightfall the undead will be back in force.
Now we need to lock this place down
and prepare for the onslaught.
But before we do,
someone wants to have a little word with you.
- Me? - You.
Police Constable Diamond!
- Samuel Ward?
- Yeah.
- You're in a lot of trouble.
I know what you've done.
- But, erm... - You've been a bad,
bad, bad boy.
[chuckles] [snaps fingers]
[sexy music plays] ♪♪
- Right, come on lads, get in there!
♪ Yeah well
♪ You know what I got from my reputation before
- [chuckles]
♪ I smashed the law
Uh-huh.
- I'm sure we definitely said no to strippers.
- I'm pretty sure you said no to strippers,
but then I ignored you and booked a stripper.
♪ Move that body next to mine
♪ Watch out, I'm coming your way
- Suzy's going to go mad when she finds out.
- Here's an idea.
[whispers] Don't tell her.
- Yeah, don't tell her.
- We tell each other everything.
Yeah, I'll probably just shove that one in the vault.
- Yeah, yeah. - Good idea.
♪ Good times on, bring the good times on
♪ Let the good times roll
- [whimpering]
- Dennis!
♪ I turned out your body three times before
♪ I want to lay it down
Where are you, you stupid twat?
♪ The man in need you know is what you need
Dennis!
♪ I got champaign moves, every hot girl's dream
- Give me a belt!
- No, no, no. What you doing?
- [whimpers]
- I've got one.
[smacking]
[grimacing] [all cheering]
♪ Move that body next to mine
♪ Watch out, I'm coming your way
- You've been naughty!
- Go on, hit him!
- Are you sorry?
- Beat him! Go on!
[Sam's grimacing continues] ♪ Bring the good times home
♪ And let the good times roll
♪ Bring the good times home
- Jenks, what's happening, mate?
- Sarge.
You're not gonna fucking believe this.
- Behave.
[all cheering] [Sam whimpering]
- Yes.
- Say you're sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- I didn't hear you!
- I feel humiliated just watching this.
- I'm lactose intolerant.
[smacking] [Sam screaming]
[music ends] [all cheering]
- Bravo!
- Right, ten pounds each please.
- Ah, that's worth every penny.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, Cheese.
There you go, Diamond.
- Thanks, love.
- No, no, no, no. Thank you.
You were awesomeballs.
[slow motion] Awesomeballs.
- Hey, good luck with the wedding.
- Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me a moment,
I'll just...
- Back the fuck up,
or I'll snap his fucking neck!
- Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
- I know what you did.
- We haven't done anything! - Don't lie.
- We don't know what the hell you're talking about. - Yeah?
Well he does. They do.
- What have you done, Sam?
- I think there's been a little misunderstanding.
- Misunderstanding?
You killed Steve and Dennis!
- You did what?
- Well, I, erm...
- You bloody imbecile!
- No, it wasn't just me, it was...
- Crazy Crew!
- Not now. - Yeah, sorry.
- Look, it wasn't our fault, okay.
They attacked us, and...
- That's what they were supposed to do!
- Whoa, whoa, look,
I'm sure that if Sam killed somebody,
he had a good reason.
- Yeah, cause he... he's like...
[chuckles] you know what I mean?
- I don't believe this.
I didn't even want to be here.
But Michelle's all, "Oh, he's my brother,
and you have to".
I told her, "Fuck your brother, Michelle,
he's a fucking idiot.
And his friends, bunch of fucking idiots, too"!
[all groan]
I didn't want to spend the weekend with you
and I'm certainly not going to prison for you.
- Whoa, what you doing?
- What do you think I'm doing?
I'm calling the police.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, pal.
Nobody sends my best friend to prison.
- He ain't your best friend, you deluded moron.
[thud] [groans]
- You're a total bastard, mate!
- Yeah! - Yeah,
yeah, and none of us even wanted you here!
- Yeah! - And I boned Michelle
whilst you were away on business,
so who's the idiot now?
[all laughing]
- Oh, that's my sister! - Sorry, mate.
Look, Sergeant Marshall, if that is your real name.
I can tell that behind your slightly psychotic
and cruel exterior,
you're a reasonable man.
I'm sure we can work something out, hmm?
How does ten grand sound?
- Ten grand? - Twenty.
- Really? - I'm going to go as high as thirty, but...
- They're my fucking friends!
- Look, the police aren't coming,
so make us an offer!
- The police?
No, you don't get it, do you.
I'm not a reasonable man,
and I am psychotic and cruel.
But I am nothing compared
to that ruthless bunch of cunts out there.
See, some people join the army cause they wanna protect
flabby bags of shit like you lot.
But not them.
No, no, no, they got in
cause they crave a bit of blood
and a bit of violence.
And it's the only place a killer can kill
and get away with it.
So when I tell 'em what you've all done,
you pussies are going to fucking wish
that it was the police after you.
[patriotic music] ♪♪
- Put that phone down
and let my father-in-law go
or you're a dead man!
- You ain't got the fucking balls, son.
- You're right, he hasn't. - I do.
I swear I'll do it.
- Yeah, you'll fucking miss.
- Put the knife down, Sam.
You'll screw it up,
just like you screw everything up.
Jesus, Gerald, have a little faith in me.
- I have no faith in you.
None whatsoever.
- What is your goddam problem?
All I do, all I ever have done
is try to be nice to you,
try to make you like me.
But all I do never seems to be good enough.
- My problem?
- You want to know what my problem is? - Yes.
- Besides from the fact you've killed two people
and landed us all in an epic shit-storm
that's probably going to kill us?
- Yes.
- You didn't ask permission to marry my daughter.
- I didn't ask permission?
I didn't ask permission
because it's not nineteen fifty-five.
- It's the way things are done!
- Right, I'll prove myself to you.
- Ha!
- This is your last chance, Marshall.
- Take the shot, Sam!
- Do not take the shot,
I have the situation fully in hand.
- Put the phone down!
- Jenks! - Do it, Sam!
[Gerald screaming]
[all groan]
[Gerald grunting]
- You stupid, cocking fucknugget!
- Jenks, it's the stag do, it's the...
[thud]
[all cheering] - Yes, Cheese! Cheese, yes.
- You alright, Gerry?
- Sarge?
Sarge?!
- Yeah, rip your hair out. - Get it tight.
[grunting] - Get off me.
[gasping] [breathing heavily]
[screaming]
- Toby, can you do anything?
You know medical stuff.
- Well, if he gets a tumor, let me know.
Maybe I can help.
- Yeah, probably not though, eh?
- Just find something I can use as a bandage.
Some pressure.
- Ah, well, funny you should say that.
So, what do we do?
- Well, we can't run.
We could still call the police.
- You're all fucking dead anyway.
- Shut him up.
- We stay and we fight.
I was in a similar situation back in Afghanistan.
In the mountains of the Hindu Kush.
Four men on a capture or kill mission
for a warlord responsible for the deaths
of fifty British soldiers.
But everything went F.U.B.A.R
when we chose to spare a group of goat herders.
Our mercy was betrayed.
Before we knew it,
we were surrounded by a legion of Taliban,
baying for our blood.
The odds insurmountable.
The enemy fearless.
But we banded together.
Stood firm.
And together we defeated those savages
and made it through.
- Okay.
Am I seriously the only one not buying that? Hmm?
That's the plot of Lone Survivor.
I'm sorry, I really didn't want to have to do this,
but seeing as our lives depend on it,
Gerald, you're full of shit, mate.
You were never in the army.
Or if you were you were some kind of potato peeler.
- How dare you.
- For the love of God, Myles,
Gerald has already told you he was in the Navy.
- That's right, Sam.
The S.B.S.
The Special Boat Service.
The navy's team of crack commandos
used only in the most dangerous
and perilous of missions.
- Fine, whatever.
Carry on.
- Okay chaps.
Here's how we do this.
Now, the enemy may have skills.
Resources.
- Come on lads, let's get tooled up.
[all screaming]
- We may be wounded.
Drunk.
Stoned.
But we have something they don't.
[patriotic music] ♪♪
Indefatigable spirit.
[marker squeaking]
Limitless courage.
♪♪
The unbreakable will to live.
As we say in the S.B.S.
By strength or guile.
- [all] By strength or guile!
- Yeah!
- Come on, boys!
[battle cry]
[singing off key] - Amazing grace,
how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me.
I...
[mumbling gibberish]
- We've had some good times together though,
haven't we?
- Yeah.
- We have.
- Still,
I think this weekend might be the best yet.
What do you reckon?
- No.
- Guys, if we get through this okay,
do you reckon I could become a member
of the Crazy Crew?
- I'll tell you what,
the way you smacked Brandon in the dick earlier,
you're already a member, mate.
- Yeah. - Ah, this is so sweet!
But how about you all shut the fuck up?
I don't want the last thing I hear to be you twats
twittering on about, "Good times."
- You've had some good times with Michelle though,
haven't you Myles, eh?
- You wankers.
- Oh, she's still my bloody sister!
[distant whistle] [distant howling]
- Once more unto the breach, dear friends,
once more.
- Looks like it's negotiation time, boys.
These guys don't know what's about to hit them.
Hey!
Fellas!
Listen to me.
We have your boss captive here,
and he's at our mercy.
But, I'm going to make you a simple offer,
you let us go and we let him go.
Everyone's safe, everyone's happy.
What are you saying?
- Fuck Marshall, he's a twat! - Okay.
[distant laughter]
[patriotic music] ♪♪
- What the hell are you laughing at?
Now, you tell 'em to let us go, or you're a dead man!
- Oh, go fuck yourself!
You know what, mate,
I'm going to enjoy watching them skin you alive.
- Hello!
- Brandon, what you doing?
- Hey, you out there, hello!
Look, I'm not really with these people.
I actually kind of hate them.
I wasn't involved in killing any of your friends,
and the only reason why I'm here at all
is because my wife forced me.
So, I was just wondering if, maybe you'd let me go?
Or, or, or...
if it's alright with you,
I will happily join your side.
- You absolute... - Cocksucker!
- Screw you all!
- Which one are you?
- My name's Brandon.
Six foot three, dark blonde hair.
I'm the good looking one.
- Well...
- I don't remember you. Show us your face.
- Look, Brandon, don't do it!
- Okay. Here I come.
[thud]
- Fuuuck!
Quick, let's go!
- Go, go, go, go!
- You're all fucking dead, you load of piss ants!
[all screaming]
- Barricade the door!
Get it!
- Here's my boys.
- Get 'em, lads.
[all yelling]
- Ah!
- [zombie scream]
- [groaning in pain]
[thud] [all groan]
[wheezing]
[thud]
[banging on door] [all screaming]
- Shit!
You've been bitten!
[distant banging]
- Oh, flipping heck!
I love you guys.
[battle cry]
- Al, what are you doing?
They're not real zombies!
For fuck's sake!
- Good point.
[battle cry]
[all yelling]
[patriotic music] ♪♪
- Crazy Crew!
- Go, go on, get out of here!
Save yourselves!
Get that, come on.
[panting] Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
This way, this way, come on, come on.
- [sniffing]
- This has got to be the way out.
- Hold on. Where's Cheese?
Cheese! Cheese!
- Come on, Gerald, we've got to go.
- I am not leaving without Cheese.
- Go,
get him out of here, get the car.
I'll go back for the others.
- Right, come on, Gerald,
come on.
Stay with me.
[sitar music] ♪♪
- Praise Jah!
["Ode to Joy" by Beethoven] ♪♪
- Which way?
- Erm, it says North is this way,
but I have no fucking clue.
- No.
- This way, this way.
- The man would take a bullet for you
and you're leaving him behind to die!
- We'll come back for him.
- Ha! Spoken like a true coward.
- [panting]
This place is well creepy, man.
- Yeah.
[heart beating]
- Fucking hell.
Sorry. I thought it was a...
- Hello boys.
[rock music playing] ♪♪
[arrow whizzing]
[yelling]
[thud] [grunting]
- What's the matter, you city boy prick?
You haven't got anything smart to say now, have you?
- Well...
[thud]
- What was that?
[patriotic music] ♪♪
[hard rock music] ♪♪
[knife clanking]
- Er...
- [panting]
[gasps]
[grunts]
[whimpers]
[footsteps approaching]
- That one's for Steve.
- [breathing heavily]
- This one...
[ringtone sounding]
[yelling in pain]
[both yelling]
- You fucker!
- [grunting]
[thud]
- [panting]
[heavy rock music] ♪♪
- This ain't no fun no more.
Guess it's time to shut your big mouth once and for all.
[sinister laugh]
[paintball gun clicking] [grunting]
[retching]
- [grunting]
- Oh shit.
- Game over, fat boy.
[thud]
- [panting]
- You came back for us.
- I never left.
- I thought you guys had all...
- I meant metaphorically.
- Guys!
Can you help me out here?
I think he's broken my jaw.
- Right.
Let's go get our boy. - Yeah.
- [Gerald grunting in pain]
[car starter cranking] - Come on!
- God. - Come on.
- Dirty fucking shit balls!
Do you know anything about cars?
Oh for fuck...
[tapping on window]
[panicked breathing]
- Word on the street is you used to be S.B.S.
I met some of your boys outside Kandahar.
Right bunch of stuck up twats.
Thought they were fucking better than the rest of us.
- What is this?
- Two men go in.
One man comes out.
Now, I'll give you my word
that if your man wins,
I'll let you both go.
- [whimpers]
- If I win,
I'm gonna gut you like a fucking fish.
In you go. Come on.
Time for you to find out
if you're as good as you say you are.
- The thing is,
you may have noticed that I'm W.I.A.,
so it's hardly a fair...
[knife pierces]
- [gasps]
- Now it's fair.
[knife clanks]
Do 'im, Jenks.
- Okay.
Thing is... [thud]
[grunts]
Look... [thud]
[groaning]
- Come on, Gerald.
- [panting]
Right.
You asked for it.
[patriotic music] ♪♪
[thud] [grunting]
[thud] [groaning]
[Gerald yelling]
- S.B.S., my arse.
- [panting]
By strength or guile.
[battle cry]
- This is too fucking easy, Sarge.
Might as well let 'em go, eh?
[ominous music] ♪♪
- Finish him.
[patriotic music] ♪♪
- Yah!
[blood spraying]
- You fucking cunt.
[breathing heavily]
- No mate...
- [battle cry] - No, no, no, I'm only a...
[yelling in pain]
- [spitting]
[panting]
- [gurgling]
- Mr. Chappell,
I was just wondering,
if I might have your permission
to marry your wonderful daughter.
[light flute music] ♪♪
- Permission granted.
[garage door rattling]
[joyous yelling]
- That was one large fucking night.
- Mm-hmm.
- Large indeed, Cheese.
Large indeed.
- Tell you what, if nothing else,
this makes writing your wedding speech
a whole lot easier.
- Unfortunately, I think it might be while
before you get to make that speech, mate.
- Maybe twenty to life?
[mumbling] - Guys,
nobody's going to prison.
Trust me.
Myles has a plan
that's going to make all of this
just go away.
[gulp] [winces in pain]
Fuck me.
[upbeat rap music] ♪♪
♪ Oh yeah, we gonna die
♪ Crazy crazy house
♪ It's the Crazy Crew and we put it down
♪ Who got your back, it's the Crazy Crew
♪ Who you gonna die
♪ I'm like the rough and the rugged
♪ When I start wreck
♪ Run when I come, chumps hit the deck
♪ Hit 'em with a little bit of combat round
♪ Leave the bodies buried in the ground
♪ Now look what you gone and done
♪ Now you wus gotta fool with a gun
♪ It's a giggle just a little bit of fun
♪ It makes a lot of sense if you've got none
♪ On the run with a gun now whatcha gonna do
♪ It makes sense if you've got one
♪ It's the Crazy Crew yeah that's no good
♪ It makes sense if you've got none
♪ Blop-a ba blop It's the Crazy Crew
♪ What ya gonna do
♪ Who's got your back it's the Crazy Crew
♪ Who you gonna die
♪ I'm like Cool Hand Luke when I sight the scope
♪ Fun when they run yell ho, Konco
♪ Cracker with a bat watch your man get flat
♪ Hey Crazy Crew where you at
♪ Yo where you at
♪ Hit 'em with the bone Hit 'em home ricochet
♪ Carnivore cannibal, cold cabaret
♪ Roll with the drums in cold when it comes in
♪ Rolling through your dark always
♪ Well bloody hoo-ha
♪ One felt everything gone F.U.B.A.R
♪ Hit it with the bow with the homegrown sweat
♪ Couldn't even fu... With my mic check
♪ Hit 'em up mic-microphone check-a
♪ Mic mic check one two
♪ Get a mic mic-microphone check-a
♪ Mic mic check one two
♪ Now whatcha gonna do
♪ Crazy Crew Who you gonna die
♪ Crazy Crew in the house
♪ Well bloody hoo-ha
♪ It's a giggle just a little bit of fun
♪ Everything gone F.U.B.A.R
♪ Makes a lot of sense if you've got none
♪ You've boys just ain't got no sense
♪ Rap tak ticka ain't worth ten pents
♪ Little tip toe get your foot step show
♪ On top of that you're fu... slow
♪ I'm about dropping off bombs on a little bit
♪ Hold on a little pink tongue in the middle bit
♪ Boys get lifted high like Snoop
♪ Drop heavy like wonton soup
♪ Drop heavy like, like what like wonton soup
♪ Drop, drop heavy like, like what like wonton soup
♪ Now whatcha gonna do
♪ Crazy Crew that's no good
♪ Crazy Crew in the house
♪ What a bloody hoo-ha
♪ Makes a lot of sense if you've got none
♪ It's a giggle just a little bit of fun
♪ What a bloody hoo-ha
♪ Everything gone F.U.B.A.R
♪ Just a little bit of fun
♪ Who you gonna die
♪ Crazy Crew
♪ Best know who
♪ Everything gone F.U.B.A.R ♪
♪♪